1. Air raid jokes aren’t funny
I’m sure there are people in Coventry who will side with the Germans on this one and of course I understand that the bombings in the Second World War are no laughing matter. But if you’re in Germany and your local fire station has an alarm that sounds remarkably like an air raid siren, you’re asking for trouble. I don’t know what it is about training for this club that makes me act as if I’ve got terrible tourettes but about a week after the ‘where’s the fire?!’ situation I decided it would be hilarious to dive on the floor and make a ball at the sound of this fire/air raid alarm. Obviously no-one got the joke and just looked at me with bewilderment, wondering why I’d decided to mimic a hedgehog in the middle of a practice match.
2. Without shower shoes you will almost certainly die
My lack of shoes for the shower causes absolute dismay every session. Cries of ‘Adem!’ combined with much pointing towards my feet when I enter the shower has become commonplace. One man told me I should buy some to avoid getting mushrooms on my feet. I assumed he was confusing fungus with mushrooms although might just buy a pair to avoid growing shiitakes in between my toes.
3. Pubic hair is undeniably ugly
Shaving, it seems, is a must. I’m not talking about facial hair; after all, this is Germany – the home of dodgy facial hair. Nope, in order to fit in after training, bald is the new black when it comes to downstairs. It doesn’t matter how tidy you keep it, any trace of hair and they look at you as if you’re carrying round your own personal ecosystem.
4. I am the hardest man alive
Back to their obsession with constantly wearing shoes and how walking outside barefooted suddenly makes you Chuck Norris. Looks of disbelief were shared amongst the team as I nipped out with my feet uncovered. ‘It’s the English Ironman’ one boy exclaimed while another looked genuinely upset putting his hands on his head and shouting ‘what are you doing?!’ For a brief moment I considered telling them I chewed bees instead of eating honey or that I used sandpaper instead of regular toilet paper. However I decided against it firstly because there was no way I could translate that into German and secondly because they almost certainly wouldn’t laugh.
5. Continental is their style
I’m still struggling to get my head around their European system of play. Every week I feel like Mike Bassett and just want to exclaim ‘what’s wrong with 4-4-f***ing-2?’ I won’t be doing this, however, as it will just further solidify my position as the weird foreign kid. They currently want to employ me as a holding midfielder, not the golden-shoed creative one but the Lee Cattermole one. I’m putting it down to their assumption that as an Englishman I am brimming with grit and I’ve decided to adapt, running around fouling everyone and when receiving the ball, laying it off to my more technically able teammates. I’m trying so hard to convince them elsewhere that I’m the next Messi but all they see is Gareth Barry.
6. They love the English language
In England, if a German taught us a new word, we’d probably nod politely and say something like ‘ahh, that’s interesting’. The other day I got asked what ‘Furz’ was in English and after telling them it meant ‘fart’, they burst out laughing before using it in every single English sentence they knew. My personal favourite was ‘Hey Adem! Adem! Tomorrow I am going to have for my breakfast, a cup of coffee and a massive fart.’ These Germans are so easily amused.
7. Abysmal geography skills
Leeds is not in the Midlands, Fritz, no matter how much you rant and rave. Don’t argue with me on this.
8. Rehydration is a myth
After an intensive session, everyone heads back to the changing rooms dripping with sweat and ready to recover. Yet drinks such as squash, Lucozade or even their hideous sparkling water aren’t on the menu. If you don’t grab a beer, people think you’re a leper and even if you have the best excuse for why you aren’t drinking (usually Islam or a doctor’s note are the only applicable options) then you guzzle down an equally inappropriate drink. Coke is common but the other choice is malt beer which tastes like cold Horlick’s or a bowl of Shreddies.
9. Gimmicks are golden
Every training session, I expect the coach to tell us we’ll be going for a short warm-up, followed by a drill we can apply to a match, maybe some shooting to lighten the mood and finish with a small sided game. However he insists on being completely un-German, with training being extremely hectic and him having an obsession with gimmicks. Football tennis is a regular feature, as is substituting a normal ball for an American football or medicine ball. Warm-ups aren’t jogs around the pitch, rather games of tag with varying rules ranging from constantly running backwards to hopping with your arms behind your back tagging opponents with your shoulder. At least the matches are normal…apart from their stupid system that is.
10. They really do care about penalties
This might seem like I’m stereotyping but it is true that the Germans are exceptionally serious when it comes to penalties whereas we view them as fairly insignificant. In matches the manager will watch the opposition keeper’s every move so as to judge which side he is weaker on, just in case a penalty is won. Each week we practise ‘Elfmetern’ and a miss is punished by a gruelling sprint exercise. Except for me of course, missing penalties is something I can’t help according to them and is as English as afternoon tea.
Photo: Russell Chant
blankenblog 